GRACE AND GRIEF... Remembering Chase
Today is one of those days were it is taking my all to get through the day. Five years ago my son Chase went to be with Jesus. I like to think he is sitting on his lap with a smile on his face... or with loved ones who have passed that are just pouring their love into him.
It's hard not to think of the events that all happened that day, sort of like a horror movie that won't get out of your head. BUT I am so thankful for that God has given me faith and hope that I will see my son again. He will see his brother and sisters, dad, grandparents one day in Heaven and what a day that will be.
A few people have asked what happened and I will make this brief... We had tried for 5 years after Taylor to have another child. It seemed like the vices were stacked against us for some reason or so. We started the adoption process (I always wanted to adopt even without this loss) and found a sweet little girl. As we were going through the process to adopt her she unexpectedly died of a heart problem. We were devastated and sad to say the least. Well, we thought we would try to get pregnant one more time through IUI... we were told we had less then a 7% chance of conceiving.
You can imagine the surprise when we went in 4 weeks later and found out we were pregnant. We were so happy. My pregnancy was very uneventful. I had a few more doctor appointments because of being older. Unfortunately, once again Chad was going to miss a bunch of these appointments and the birth itself because he was called to Iraq again. (He also was gone when Tay was born). But we were fine we knew this is the call of our life... and my family lived two hours away.
A day before I was to have my c-section I went into my doctors office saying I had not felt Chase move very much... they thought it was just that I was getting bigger and running out of room. My world came crashing down as we found out there was no heartbeat. To be sure they had me drive myself to the nearest hospital and confirm... I have no idea how I made it there. Low and behold my worst nightmare was confirmed. I felt like I could have died right then and there. One day, I am getting the last minute things together for my trip to give birth and the next day I am thinking about a funeral.
I had the sweetest nurse who took him for a bath, dressed him in the little white sailors outfit I was going to bring him home in and wrapped him in a blanket. She was so kind to me... She also took some pictures for me - at that time I didn't know about, "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep" photographers who capture these moments for the parents. BUT this sweet nurse - 6 months later came up to me at a Christmas memorial and said, "When, I took that picture of Chase the strangest thing happen. All of a sudden light from the outside just surrounded his head and it was like a glow". I know to some that might sound weird but it was so comforting. In the picture you can see the glow as well.
I think one of the hardest things was having to tell Taylor what happened. Here was a little girl who wanted a sibling for SO long, went to doctor appointments and then this happened. It is AMAZING the strength of kids though. I remember driving a few weeks later and she said to me out of the blue, "Mommy, when Chase died the angels came down and took him up through the clouds". I will never forget that moment. Sometimes I think God used her to minister to me. She has always been a little more mature for her age and even at 5 she said some pronounced things. She always remembers Chase on this day...
Since that time, so much has happened. I remember lying there when my c-section was going on thinking, "God, I am not going to let this destroy me but am going to do something positive because of it". Not saying, I didn't have grief trust me it is a very hard thing to think about your hopes and dreams for a child just gone in a blink of an eye. But I always believed that there was some bigger reason that God would allow this to happen. For me that is the only way I got through it.
I am so thankful for the keepsakes I got from the hospital, the knitted blankets that some dear ladies made that were wrapped around Chase, a knit hat, stuffed animal and my two pictures I got. My sister made me a beautiful scrapbook with the best quotes in it and the hospital information, bracelets, hair etc. These are all I have of my son physically. BUT mentally he has given me so much more... or I should say God used him to give me more.
My heart has softened. I have a new sensitivity to people who have "lost" a baby or just plain loss. You don't realize how "loss" really affects someone until you go through an immediate loss yourself. I always felt bad for people but never realized how deep it went. Sometimes you just wish people would say, "Hey how are you? " people forget that sometimes I just need to have him remembered... I am so to thankful for those who remember. I am thankful for my family back home who takes care of his burial lot for each holiday.
I have the best sister and mom - you have always been there. Dad, you are the most sensitive guy I know. I love how you put things. Chad you have always been my rock, how hard it must have been to be in Iraq and get that news and have to rush home. He lost a son to... but is such a great dad to little Aiden and the girls. Aiden is just the happiest little guy... and without Chase he most likely would not be here with his heart trouble.
I still find myself wondering at times when I see a little five year old and think, "Oh, Chase might look like that" .... but then I look at my precious two Chinese kiddos and think what a blessing we have right here. Thank you God, thank you Chase for allowing me to have a heart that turned soft and not bitter, that I feel more grace then grief, and that I am so thankful in a way to have gone through this because I am a much better person for it.
I know that Chase will never feel hurt or sickness that he is safe. Heaven seems to be such an awesome place. It may seem a bit weird but I love to read books on people who have experienced Heaven in life or death situations and to see what they felt. It seems like the grandest place with love all abound. It gives me calm. "Heaven is Real" by Don Piper was an awesome book. Someone once said to me, "The bleeding stops but the scars always remain". This
is so true... From those scars I decided to try and live the best life I can
live though...
Friends, if you have experienced loss recently or in the past, know that your loved one is comforted by God 's embrace and that one day you will see your loved one again. I truly believe that. Cherish the moments you had, make memories in your life now to carry on - and live the best life you can. Also, don't worry if you have a breakdown every once in awhile... it is normal in loss. It is human, we are human no matter how "Christian" we are... I live by that song, "Live Like I was Dying" so true.
I know I went on a bit with this post, but for me writing is a release and I just needed to remember Chase on this day. It is never easy but I am so thankful for the peace that God has given me. I am thankful for the friends that he has put in place to surround me and great family who loves me and remembers. Without Chase were would this little boy be? I am so blessed.
I may not understand WHY this happened but I do know that God has had a plan for our lives... it is up to me to make the best of it and I hope I do.
Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
