Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Remembering Our Son Chase 7/16/2007

****Update on What We Did Today**** Taylor and I went to a Nature Park near where we live that I had not ever been to. It was a beautiful setting, and a surprisingly nice park in the middle of the woods. I wanted to do a little balloon release to send up to Chase and it was the perfect place. We picked 6 blue balloons since Taylor is 6 and the 2 Happy Birthday Balloons. Taylor told me when we were at the flower store, "Mom, I even saw a balloon Chase would like when he is 6 - it is a Jimmy Neutron balloon"...to think like a child. We released the balloons and then went for a 2 mile walk. On the walk out of the blue Taylor goes, "Chase is looking down from Heaven smiling at his balloons". She is such a blessing.

I just wanted to remember my son Chase on the day that changed my life forever. Last year on July 16th, my world changed as I knew it. My precious, active son died 4 days before he was to be born. It has been a long year of trying to process what has happened as well as gather the strength to move on in my new “normal”. I always felt bad for people who lost someone but you never truly realize the devastation that it actually creates. I am so much more sympathetic now then I ever was. Losing a child is like losing part of your future. Just imagine if one of your kids was taken from you that is what it feels like for me. How would you feel with that one missing? It is beyond ones imagination. I have learned to suck up my tears and cry into my pillow at night, because that is what I have to do to move on. I have to push my son to the back of my mind and not let myself go to the depths of that raw grief. People tend to forget that this is a life long loss not a few months and so I do a good deal of hiding how I feel. I have met a wonderful support system online called http://www.silentgrief.com/ it is an amazing group of women who have gone through losses.

But I also can say on the more positive note I have become a more compassionate person. I am seeking to be a better person all the time. I am so thankful for my daughter she is SUCH a blessing, without her things would be even worse. I know there are many women out there that would love one child. I also am so thankful to God for bringing little Aiden into our lives. I truly believe maybe Chase was born to be that thread to connect us to Aiden. There is a wise tale in China about the red thread, connecting people to each other. He will be so truly loved and cherished. We are so happy to be starting this new chapter in our lives in September. Beyond words is all I can say about that….blessings from above. I can’t wait to hold Aiden in my arms and tell him how much he has been loved even without being here. Today, Taylor wanted to get Chase a birthday card at the Hallmark store to put on his grave under a stone we have there. She picked one of Snoopy out, and had me read it to her… It talked about the firsts that he has done this year, I was really almost in tears as I know there were no “firsts“. But she is in such another frame of mind - she is like that is PERFECT. She really has a way of putting things in perspective. She once told me that when Chase died God opened up the clouds and angels brought him through. I was like WOW, and here I have been trying to shield her from his death. That’s the hardest thing when she asked me WHY? Why mom did he die? I heard her tell her friend that he drank to much milk in my tummy, this made me smile. She has had to deal with her dad away for so long and the death of a brother in a year, I can’t say enough about her being so “big” and SO SO positive. It is amazing to look at things from a childs view. This Sunday at church our pastor talked about going out and doing things for others and stop thinking about yourselves. He asked the congregation what have you done in this last year for other people? That is what I would like to continue to build on. Doing something positive with my life. I feel a calling and not sure what that will be but I am praying about it. I am working with http://www.lovewithoutboundaries.com/ and supporting their causes. They help so many children and are a totally legit agency. We also will be donating some things in Chases name to a home for unwed mothers tomorrow. It is just a little something I can do. I want to say thank you to my mom, sister and my brother and his wife for not being afraid to talk about Chase and including his picture in your families. That means so much to Chad and I. More than words can express.

I appreciate you Heather for being there for me for those for 6 months and still there now even though you have your own pregnancy to worry about now. My little angel and God is watching over your little one. I also want to say thanks Chad for being the best husband someone could have during this time. People forget that even though you are the "man" you also have had to experience this loss and like you said you think of him everyday. Thank you for being my rock. I love you. So Happy Birthday Chase. Know that your mom, dad, sister and grandparents are thinking of you. This day is so so hard. I have been putting it out of my mind but the feelings are all there. I love you and I hope that you and all the other angel babies are doing well in Heaven and having a little party. As I was walking up to the cash register today at that Hallmark store I was trying to hold back my tears as I was buying this card for Chase from Taylor. I look down and this beautiful box was there and this is what it said…. I have to believe my angel put that there just for me to read on the day he knew was so hard. Thank you for allowing me to share my true feelings. (well almost true)


Leslie said...

Hi. I went to the CHI yahoo group looking for something specific about our daughter and I just saw your post. I just wanted to say that I think your tribute to your son is beautiful. I have not faced the death of a child. What an amazing testimony you share. You are a beautiful person too inside and out from what I can see on your blog. And THANK YOU to you, your daughter and your husband for your SACRIFICE. We appreciate our military personnel and their families.

I don't understand why someone had a problem with your tribute to your son. Maybe they don't understand heaven and eternal life--that though this loss causes you unimaginable grief it also means your son is living with Jesus and you want to remember him and make sure your other children do too. And the card your daughter picked out--WOW! I often think my own boys seem to "get it" sometimes better than me. Maybe those who did not understand your tribute will see the Savior through your very heartfelt post. It must have taken a lot of courage for you to share and I thank you for it.

Hugs to you

Heidi said...

Thank you so much for your kind comment. It is just therapeutic for me to put out there what it is really like for us sometimes. It is one of the greatest hurts when others cannot acknowldege our son... Some people think it is good to shield themselves from death but it is reality and I am so glad that my daughter is so big about it. It is amazing what children can comprehend.

You are right we will see him again one day and that is the hope that we all look forward to. My daughter Taylor will know her brother because he wasn't hidden or not talked about... she talks about him out of the clear blue all the time. She certainly is a blessing. Thank you again for writing, Heidi

Elizabeth Bergeron said...

Hi, we have met on the yahoo group and e-mailed. It is an excellent and wonderful tribute to your son, Chase. He may not be in your arms, but he is still in your heart! I have experienced this myself and know. Time does take a lot of the pain away, but the memory will remain.

I look forward to seeing you bring your son home from China. He is so adoreable!! May God watch over you and give you His peace.