Thursday, December 11, 2008

Worldwide Candle Remberance December 14

Worldwide Candle Lighting
The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting®, held annually the second Sunday in December, this year December 14, unites family and friends around the globe as they light candles for one hour to honor and remember children who have died at any age from any cause. As candles are lit at 7 p.m. local time, creating a virtual wave of light, hundreds of thousands of persons commemorate and honor the memories of children in a way that transcends all ethnic, cultural, religious, and political boundaries.

Its been awhile since I have posted. Christmas is suppose to be happy and all but sometimes do you ever feel overwhelmed? Or that your joy is taken? I guess I let my joy get robbed a few times in the last few weeks. Did you ever have someone say something to you that you just can't believe and it kept knawing at you? I really have to work on letting things go...

I guess another thing is Christmas is a time for family and friends, but it is also a reminder of the child who should be here and is not. Holidays, and the dates surrounding his birth, death are all so hard. I am reading this good book right now about how this pastor who was a grief minister lost his son. It is so well written. It is one of those books which really explain what it is like to lose a child. It validates that it is okay to grieve at the pace you need to. I think it would be great for anyone who is family, minister or the person who had a loss to read. Its interesting that after a year, I feel like people expect you to move on, don't talk about it, and really want you to move on from feeling sad. So of course, I have learned to live the new normal and concentrate on everything else... but it just hurts so much. I guess it makes other people uncomfortable and that is understandable, but imagine losing one of your children and how uncomfortable that would be. All parents who have lost a child, just want them remembered or don't forget about the pain that it has caused for the parents who have lost them.

I am thankful for a few of my good friends who do remember and let me talk about my journey. I am eternally grateful for that, it means the world to me to have that release of a few confidants. Grief is a funny thing, one day you can be happy and loving life and then something happens to remind you of what you are missing. I am so glad that God, has helped me and given me hope for the future, he is one person who never leaves and is always there. The paster in this book said that he counseled someone who lost a stillborn and it was the grandmother he was counseling. He said, he realized that it didn't matter if someone lost a child that was 16 or a newborn, a childs death is the death of hopes and dreams for the future. It is so true. For us, he was 5 years in the making.

So thanks for listening to me ramble on about this. No don't worry, I am not plunging into a depression or anything like that. Sometimes I just got to get it out though. Somedays are harder than others. Am I glad for the family I have, of course over and over. I love Taylor and Aiden with all my heart. But it doesn't take away from the experience of what happened and the child lost. I am so thankful for Aiden coming into our family and the happiness he has given us. He is such a blessing.

Thanks for letting me bare my soul on this post... Usually, I write on my other blog, that is for my eyes only, but I just felt like sharing. It is one of those rainy days today so I guess that doesn't help things. Monday, I will be attending a Memorial Service for a rememberance day for those who are not with us for Christmas. I just need to take time and remember... although I never forget.


Amy said...

Heidi - I have never lost a child like that, but I cannot imagine how heartbreaking it would be. We lost Lexi and that is still so very hard. On our way to our in-laws, we stopped by Stefani's to turn in our post adoption report. We started to talk about Lexi and I was telling her how I was okay with it and then I just started bawling. Sometimes I feel guilty for loving Presley so deeply and thinking that my love for her diminishes my love for Lexi. But I miss Lexi SOOOO much.

Your posts help me with what I am feeling. Please never stop blogging about your precious little boy!!

autumnesf said...

You are wise to know that grief is personal and its length and depth belong to you alone. Lean on God's shoulder and grieve with all you've got. He can take it even when people get uncomfortable.

Blessed Family said...

Thank you both so much for your comments... some days just hit you harder than others. Amy - I know how hard it was to let Lexi go, I really hope she is getting the help she needs. You just have to believe that there is a reason for everything. Hope you have a happy holiday and thanks so much for your kind words.